At the edge

I am at an edge.

I thought dipping my toe into the dating pool would be fun. Instead I was grabbed by the ankle and pulled to the bottom. I never thought to grab a life jacket because I didn't think dating would be this hard. Jumping into this pool blind was a mistake.

I saw what my friends went through, but actually being a part of that world is different. Watching from the sidelines was entertaining but, playing the game is hard.

Second, when you found someone who could calm the storms which rumbled in your deepest self. They made you believe all was going to be alright. They would come running because most people would leave you in the rain to shiver but, not this person. They would bring an umbrella so, you wouldn't get soaked in your emotions. In the end it was a sham.

Third, when you can find someone who makes you feel physically safe, it's just feelings were unsure. You hands getting tangled up with yours felt as if they belonged together. Their lips always meeting theirs with every goodbye. The cuddles during the night are what everyone is talking about. You made me feel safe but, at some point you decided to leave the bed. Your side of the bed became cold.

There has been two recent young men I've been interested in and each of them proved to me they were not ready. Before I get into everything, I just want to explain. I wish them the best and I wish them happiness in their life to come. There are no hard feelings because each of us helped each other grow from these experiences. In time we will be happy. So, now, let's begin. 

Dear Number One,

You were the person I set my heart on. I told you everything from, my tantrums to reasons why blue was my favorite color. I felt comfortable. You called me after work to ask if we could hang out for dinner because you knew I was hangry after work. We always had great conversations including the times we talked about The Walking Dead because it was our show.

Remember the first time you told me you loved me? Yeah, I was wearing sports wear and I felt special. You told me in a gentle whisper while we were embracing one another's warm bodies. You were pretty cute. I wanted the moment to last forever. Just like a twinkie never has an ending expiration date.

There was a time you went to Ohio and you returned with a tea mug for me. You came into my work and brought it to me in a pink bag with a steel car freshener. My heart just melted in the moment I saw you walking towards me. You thought of me while you were miles away and it was cute. We ended it with an awkward hug because I'm an awkward person.

I adored the way you used to text me good morning and goodnight. Your good morning texts were, "Good morning I hope you have a great day at work." Your goodnight texts though were my absolute favorite because they went a little like this, "Babe, I'm about to go to bed and I want to say goodnight and I love you." You always had a way to make me feel as if I was the only woman who could feel so alive. You made sure I was happy.

Perhaps I didn't ask to see if, you were happy? I'm sorry. I am sorry we no longer talk to each other. I thought of you as my friend and it seems we aren't? I feel as if I overloaded you with too much too fast. I also feel as if, your feelings changed with in a day. I'm not sure if  you can fall out of love with someone as easy you fall in a day. Maybe you said it too soon before you knew what love was?

I just want you to be happy in whatever you are doing today. I hope to be friends some day, but for now I'll wish you the best in a distance. 

Dear Number Two,

Wow. You were pretty trashed when we first met. I think it's the funniest thing ever because you told your buddies I was your future wife. I think my killer dance moves got you hooked, but let's talk about what happened after I stunned you.

I just want to jump into the later times where I feel as if feelings were evolving. We were at your friends' house and you weren't too drunk. All your friends were duck taping beer to their hands and you weren't. You were pretty mature not to participate in their games.We both agreed puking wouldn't be classy.

The same night we started inching our bodies and hands closer. Before I could blink our hands were intertwined and our bodies pressed against each other. This is also the first night you kissed me. In between our lips sliding against one another I stopped and said, "sorry I suck at this." All you did was smile and said it was fine and we continued where we left off.

 My favorite days were the weekends after your parties because you didn't want to do anything but cuddle. I'd come over to  your house and cuddle with you watching Netflix. I was comfortable with you holding me and I holding you. I loved it when you cuddled my right side of my body because the way you held me felt warm.

There was a time your right arm was wrapped around my waist and you didn't settle for the gap between us. So, you pulled me in closer because getting closer meant become one. All I could do is melt and run my finger tips along your arms because I didn't want to get lost in the intoxication.

Do you remember the time we went to the movie theaters and watched the Maze Runner? Do you remember the way you held my hand as we watched the movie together? I do. Our hands folded together and my fingers fit perfectly in between yours just like a puzzle piece. Your thumb was on top of mine and you gave me a gentle stroke with it during the intense scene letting me know you were there for me. But, in the end I had to be there for you because the ending blew your mind.

It was cute how you decided our song was, "Lights Down Low" by MAX because the song reminded you of me. I believe the best part was when you sent me snapchats of you singing the song to me but, my co-workers also saw the videos. I had to reply informing you with this information about the videos. Sorry, but it was way too cute not for them to see.

I think you are a compassionate young man and you can give a lot but, maybe you weren't ready. You'll find someone who will make you happy in the future. I deem you to be a great guy. Hopefully we can be friends. 

Life goes on. People are the ones who want to stay in one place but, time doesn't wait for anyone. You need to carry on. One day you will find someone who will treat you as a queen or king. You can't keep waiting for someone who isn't ready. Don't stress about it because you'll find someone.

Whatever energy you send out is the energy you'll receive. When jumping in blind to a pool, where you don't know how deep it is can be scary. Just remember use your life jacket if, it becomes too much.

Dad

Tonight my parents came back from their vacation in Mexico! Effing Mexico, while, I sit here in the cold... brrr. Anyway, my dad was talking about how my mom is amazing at meeting new people. My dad was in awe about how well my mom gets along with people. As in she feels comfortable enough to walk up to someone and compliment them. Remember these are people are considered strangers until you get to know who they are then they become friends. But, anyway my dad was going on about how my mother doesn't care about others sexual orientation, race, political stance or physical appearance. All my mom wants to do is get to know who you are. My mom made so many friends and listened to each of their stories. My mom took the time to connect to amazing people and I feel as if we loose this human interaction lately. We don't care what's going on in someone's head or we are too afraid to ask. I honestly believe in learning from others.  You could learn from their mistakes or success. But, it's also, amazing to hear how proud my dad was of my mother. Also, how well his listening skills are because my dad told me start to finish details about his new friends. People are amazing and have amazing stories. So, don't be afraid to ask a stranger what their favorite color is because they could become your next best friend.
A stranger is only a friend we haven't met yet.

1/15/18

The Unrequited love poem: How do you feel when you love someone who does not love you back?

It feels empty. The reason is because you want to shower this person in love. You want to blanket them from harm because they deserve to feel safe. I'd like to be the reason why this person smiles everyday. It's empty because you have to love from the other side of the ocean. Love is easy but, it depends on the people to keep it alive.

Ethics Question

We all see the same world, but people construe it differently.  Some see the world as flooded with meaningful possibilities, and some see the world as absurd and meaningless.  

What role does perception play in ethics?  When, if ever, do we see things most adequately; or, are all construals of the world and existence equally valid?  Can you think of any moments in your own life in which you perceived the worth and value of something/someone with an especial degree of clarity?  If so, how did that experience affect the way in which you act?

How do you look at a storm? Well, it all depends on your perception and everyone’s perception differs from the next person. One might overlook a storm rolling in and become depressed because it means no sunshine. Another may fear a storm because of bad past experiences as a child. But, one can yearn for the storm because they see beauty inside every flash of lightning. Every rumble may calm this certain person because it shakes them into nature. As the rain rushes down to earth, they feel stress release from their soul. The aroma of the drenched road steals them from reality and into a world of enchantment. Perception includes the human senses and past experiences because these can shape how you see the world.

I believe we experience most adequately when, we separate from social media. It’s just a sudden shock of wonder when, you’re driving home from an exhausting day at work. Imagine a car ride home with the sun setting and you’re listening to, “Chasing Cars,” by Snow Patrol. Another great way to escape reality is getting lost in the constellations and your worries float away within minutes. Don’t forget your jam of, “Iris,” by Goo Goo Dolls playing in the background while you watch the stars.

These experiences are temporary but, are forever etched into my being. It helps me recenter myself after stressful events or during them. I wish taking a break from reality would happen more often because it would help me grow as a person. It would help me separate other people’s world from mine. Their opinions of me only affect their world and I shouldn’t let it crumple mine. Maybe, I want to be a likable person because I don’t want to be alone. But, I don’t want to be liked for the wrong reasons. I want to be liked because of the person I am. I realize I won’t be alone because I’ll only be pushing away the negative energies away from me. I’ll bring in the positive energies who will support me and make me want to improve myself. Happiness is what you make out of this life you’re given so, might as live it to the best of your capabilities. Stay positive.

A question from Matt Paulson's Ethics class and my answer to this question.

Adoption

How do you feel about your adoption?
Well, it has two sides. One side has questions and the other is content where they are now. One side has all these random questions they want to be answered. While the other is fine without knowing because they know there middle and ending is going to be great.
Let's explain my confused side a little bit. I carry these questions I'd like to get answered. Questions like, "What two humans made this human begin?" "Who's strong hands do I have?" Also, "Who's crappy hormones did I inherit?" Because I'd like to tell them a thing or two about this issue! I understand some people might not care about these things but, in the long run, it does. I need to understand medical history because maybe one day I'll want kids. I need to know if, my genes will endanger my future children.
Now, on to happier topics. I'm fully aware of my fortunate life I've had! I've had the best upbring any chinese girl could ever ask for. I had a loving family and a home to call my own. I'm thankful for the personality traits I've been equipped with! I mean I'm a pretty independent women if, anyone is looking for a relationship. I'm single if, you didn't get the hint. Anyway, yes I did go through my ups and downs but, everyone does these days. I've grown from every single one of my past events. For an example never mix your alcoholic beverages! Never mix wine and beer because you'll be vomiting like a volcano the next day. Believe me, throwing up and body shakes isn't fun.
I am blessed for my present but, I will always questions my beginning. Hopefully someday I'll either come to pace with the unknowing or find the answers I've been searching for.

Election 2016

And Trump became our next president..
Thoughts or comments?

I'm still here!

Well, here I am again at college. Everything is good so far! I mean I still don't have a love life, but I honestly can't be the only 20 year old that doesn't! Right? Well my birthday is right around the bend, so that should be interesting! I will be 21, just so you all know. I believe I'm going to Las Vagas! No, not to drink, but to get out of Montana and do some crazy stuff! No, not drink and get naked on tables, but go Ziplinging and see amazing shows! I can't wait! 
Oh! The sad part is Mandy passed away a while ago, but she is in a better place now. We have a new puppy named Teegan! She. Is. Destructive. Ugh. But what can you say she's only a pup, but soon she will be one in October! 
I really want to get out of Montana. I want to live on my own for a bit! I think it would be an awaking for me. Maybe I could learn about myself better? Maybe it could help me grow as a women! I don't know! All I know is I'd want to go to either Portland Oregon or Seattle Washington! I think I'd like the weather and the people, but you never know until you try!(: 
I want to quit my job too. I've been there for almost 5 years! It's time to move on and do something different. Yes, I did try different jobs, like banking and working at a coffee shop!( oh that's right. I didn't tell you that I worked two jobs again this summer! Yep! Mornings at Montana Coffee Traders and evenings at Los Caps! It was a blast! But now I'm back in school and can't do both!) Anyway it's about time to spread my wings somewhere else! I also want to change because my manager that I've been with is leaving, so I'm not sure how I'd like the place after they are gone. Hmm. I'll have to see! I'm thinking I might try and get two jobs for the winter, so it would help me make more money to move!(: 

I'm excited to see what takes me where!